Daffodils

My dad is an avid gardener.

When I was growing up, I loved to help him, mostly so that I could pretend I was one of the American Girls (Kirsten being my favorite, of course, but Felicity was a close second). Every single year, he would give me some space around the yard and let me choose what I wanted to plant there, and every single year I said daffodils. Each time, he reminded me that daffodils don't grow well in Los Angeles, that it's too hot for them, and that they don't grow again the next year because the ground never gets cold enough in the winter for the bulbs to grow again, so basically you're wasting your money on what is supposed to be a perennial, but instead withers after two days.

And every year I still asked for daffodils.

Sometimes he bought me daffodils, and then took me back to the gardening store a week later to pick out something else after the daffodils died. Other times he simply said no, and tried to reason with me when I was unreasonable. But I was determined to have those dang daffodils, and he let me learn the hard way. At some point, I began telling him that in the future, I'd have daffodils in front of my house, and so every year it was the same thing- I would plant something other than daffodils, but I would tell him that someday, I would move to a place where I could have daffodils in my yard.

When I moved to Oregon, it was hard to be away from my family, from the home I'd known. We rented a house, and I'm sure that my family was hoping that we'd move back (and I'm sure they still do). But when we bought our first house about 3 years after moving, it was pretty solid- they knew we'd be staying in Oregon.

A few days after we moved in, a package arrived from an address I didn't recognize, and I lost it when I opened the box.

My dad had ordered and sent me a box of daffodil bulbs.

This obviously makes me feel everything all at once, even three years later, but as I was gardening this morning, I saw that the first daffodil in my yard had bloomed, and my mind began to race. Daffodils have become something symbolic, and I realized that this might be the very daffodil that my baby sees next year, with new eyes, in a new home. The English teacher in me thought a million things about the symbolism of new growth, of finding a home that you thrive in, of discovering one's self, etc. Even more simply, though, I realized that a tradition that my dad and I started can and will be something that I pass on to my kids, and this might be the last year that I'm gardening alone outside. I realized that my family is spread out and that they're still somehow near because they're a part of me, and I realized that this is all very sentimental but that it's also true, and that someday I will get to bore my kids with stories like this until they're old enough to appreciate them.

Parents, what is it that you've been happy to pass on to your kiddos? To everyone that moved away from family- what keeps you feeling close? I can't be the only one- I'd love to know what small things mattered to you, especially as you thought about bringing the kiddo(s) home or as you anticipate that process.


Updates:
PAPERWORK IS DONE! For the moment, obviously. 249 pages, not including the online education stuff. We're almost done with the online stuff- there's a lot of clicking involved. It's good, but still. Lots to learn, lots of repeating, lots of clicking.
Fundraising- Paul continues to kick butt selling stuff of Craigslist and Ebay- thank you thank you thank you for the donations! We are going to have an incredible garage sale in the future, too. I just ordered our first batch from Just Love Coffee, which gives us HALF of the proceeds towards our adoption. Yay!!!
Thank you for your love and support. Until next week (?), we love you!

The Price is Right- Price Breakdowns and NEW FUNDRAISERS!

     Last summer, just before school got out, I told a small group of my students at my former school that Paul and I were considering adoption. Through the conversation, the financial side came up- a few of the kids had an idea of the cost, and asked why it cost so much.
     During this time, one girl said, "We hope that Mr. Johnson and Mrs. Johnson would be able to raise the funds to... buy? ... a baby...?" I almost burst out laughing- you could hear the indecision and confusion in her voice, and of course that's not what's happening, but how else would a person phrase it? In the moment, I totally understood why she didn't know what to call it, and I was still unfamiliar with a lot of the jargon, and unsure where exactly all of the money went.

     One of the most commonly asked questions is WHY it costs so much- and it always bring me back to this "buy? a? baby?" moment. Here's a rough breakdown and some explanations, for everyone that's curious. This is specifically in regards to international adoption as I'm learning about it- domestic adoption is along the same lines in terms of cost, but the fees can be different. 

1. You are not "buying" a child, you're paying for the process. Money is not going to the birth parent in exchange for his/her baby- that's child trafficking. No, no, no. 

2. The expenses add up really quickly. In the last few weeks, we have paid for passports, three sets of fingerprints each, processing for FBI, state (both CA and OR), local, and Child Abuse Registry background checks, plus postage for these documents. Just those add up to around $500- and they're not usually included in agency expense breakdowns.  There are more coming, too- that's just so far.

3. A lot of time and effort goes into every.single.scrap.of. information.  We have been in contact with so many different people at both agencies (our Oregon home study agency and our placing agency, based out of Minnesota) that are invested in one portion of the legal steps for adoption- the $500, $350, $250 bills for application reading, reviewing, and processing are not out of the question. If it took me somewhere around 10 hours (give or take) to write just the personal profile, imagine how much time it takes the people reading that for both me and Paul. Yikes.

4.  There are a lot of legal requirements, and they cost money. Post-placement supervision, program coordination, post-placement reports- these are all required by law to ensure that the family is prepared, placed with the right child, and not alone after the child comes home. I haven't gone through this before, but I'm guessing they're laws for a reason- it's a difficult process, and someone needs to help the parents while also ensuring that the child is safe. These are in the thousands-of-dollars range. Each.

5. The US isn't the only country involved. There are in-country fees so their government can process the dossier (your personal profiles) and pay for the care of the child until we come to bring them home. These fees total almost $20k for the Marshall Islands side of this. Part of that pays for our baby's foster care (which we're happy to do because it means they're not languishing in an orphanage, which can often be the case), but the other part is similar to how we (the US) break down our fees- the numbers just look bigger since we send all of the payments at once. 

6. Obviously we wish it cost less, but the numbers make sense. I also believe that if more families adopted, the prices of parts of this would go down, because governments would be able to devote more people to adoption-related jobs, thus streamlining the process even more.  That's just my guess, though. 

That's just a little overview. This isn't meant to be disheartening, only enlightening. There is no cheap way to bring a baby home (as any parent can tell you) and we're excited to see how the funds for each step come in. 

Updates:

NEW FUNDRAISERS!!!! 
The next blog post will be more in-depth, but two new fundraisers are here that you can participate in NOW!
1- Just Love Coffee Roasters. This is a great organization specifically designed for adopting families to sign up, create a storefront, and then earn a portion of the proceeds from every purchase. For every coffee bag purchase, we earn $5! (And they're only $10 to begin with! Yay!) It's really, really that simple, and the coffee is de-lish. There's also non-coffee related paraphernalia, for those people that aren't into coffee (?). Here's the link for our storefront. If you're comfortable sharing this link, every little bit helps. Thank you!
2- We signed up as Amazon Associates, so if you click the link on our page in order to get to Amazon, we'll get 10% of the purchase price. Seriously, that's it. Go to Amazon through our site, and we get money for it. I'm lookin' at you, Erik. Click here to buy through our associates account. I'm working on making this easier to access without looking terrible.

Other updates- We think we're done with the paperwork (cross those fingers!), and we're working on ed hours. Yay! Thanks for all your love and support. 

Why we are adopting...

Adoption wasn't a scenario that came to one of us in the middle of the night like a dream, nor was it something a counselor or doctor recommended to us. When people ask us, "Why adopt?" there are dozens of voices in my head, clamoring to answer the question with whichever aspect of adoption is most rooted in my heart at the moment- because the truth is, we are adopting for SO MANY reasons. For the moment, I'm going to let several of the loudest voices in my brain be given a chance to speak and explain a few of the many facets of our perspectives on this.

The practical perspective:

Adoption makes sense for our family. As many of you know, I was diagnosed with Celiac Disease (during the most stressful week of my life) three and a half years ago. What not many people know was that this came as one in a series of diagnoses over the span of about two years, determining that I had four different hormone-related diseases/conditions. None of these mean we can't conceive- we have not received a diagnosis of infertility- but it's been difficult for us. We knew that fertility treatments, if we attempted them, would create a potentially long, difficult, painful road for us. The expense of fertility treatments was additionally difficult for us to consider, when we knew that it might not work, and a similar amount of money would allow us to bring home a child that already existed and needed a family to care for him/her.

We also knew that in our families ran heart disease, alcoholism, mental illness, diabetes, and a whole host of other things that make our genes kind of a cesspool. Why attempt to force that into a baby? Yikes. If we conceived a girl, as well, there's roughly a 75% chance she would end up with most of my hormonal complications. 

We decided a while ago that we didn't want to pursue fertility treatments for these reasons, and chose adoption instead. 

The emotional perspective:

I love kids. I have known and loved children that were in no way mine- kids that go home to other parents, parents that love them, and parents that don't. My heart has broken for these kids, been overwhelmed with pride on their behalf- loving kids is easy. It has never, ever entered my mind that I would not be able to love the child that comes home with us, and it breaks my heart to consider that for some children, there is no one to show them that love.

Paul, on the other hand, likes kids well enough- he sort of views them as cute aliens. He doesn't instantly grab someone's newborn, and this wasn't a very emotional process for him, even though he is really, really excited. It seems natural for people at our stage to have murky emotions- we don't know anything at all about our child, and we're operating on a lot of faith.

The silver lining perspective:

I owe a lot of this to a close friend, so let me explain. Several years ago, I was having a rough go of it. I couldn't understand why we weren't pregnant, I avoided baby showers like the plague, and I was bitter- not something I'm proud of, but there it is. I was working with a woman that literally got me through that. She and her husband had planned on adoption from the get-go, and she was thrilled at its prospect.   Being one of the more quick-witted people I know, she would make me laugh about the silver linings in not being pregnant- my feet stay the same size, I don't have to run to the bathroom all the time, etc.- and a weight was slowly lifted off of me. I grieved still, obviously, but I was also rejoicing in the idea of what we wouldn't have to go through instead of lamenting over all of the things I was missing. Beyond the hope she instilled in me, she was my silver lining, and she's probably gagging over how cheesy this is. The reality was, however, that she gave me a new lens to view this through- not only was this the best option, but it was an awesome one. 

The right-place-at-the-right-time perspective:

About five years ago, I pulled aside one of my best friends in the middle of a conference and told her I thought Paul and I would adopt. I had no idea at this point that we were going to have fertility issues, nor did I have any idea how we would go about this- I just felt like it was where we were headed. Not long after, I met a family that was in the middle of their first adoption, and she- the mother- graciously let me ask her every inappropriate question I could think of (and then her husband let Paul do the same). I honestly wish I could say that we would have adopted if we hadn't known her, but I truthfully don't know. Her family set our feet on this path, whether she knew it or not. She continues to answer any inappropriate questions, shares awkward stories with me, and thankfully never slapped me when I said unintentionally rude things (like asking if she could have "her own" kids. BARF. If you've ever seen her kids, you would know that they are hers, whether or not their skin color matches. Collectively, as a world of people that say rude things accidentally, can we please get in the habit of saying "bio kids" or something? It's an ignorance that we don't even notice, and I made the mistake a million times. Please, please, please be careful about inferring that adopted kids are not our own.). 

Also, during this time, we met our wonderful friends that inspired our decision to adopt from the Marshall Islands- if you haven't read about it, you should so I don't rehash it all in the middle of this already long post.

The idealism perspective:

We believe, wholeheartedly, that adoption is a worthy calling. We also believe that we don't live in a culture where adoption is talked about much, or it's relegated to crazy people and celebrities. We are thrilled at the idea that, in a small way, our family can help to change that. Adoption can, and should, be happening more often. The more people that adopt, the easier the process should become, worldwide.  This doesn't necessarily mean everyone should adopt, but everyone can help somehow- case in point, all you lovely people that have been so wonderful to us! Without help, people that are interested in adoption might not be able to- those that help in a myriad of ways are just as vital to changing the culture of adoption. 

Please know that adoption is not a runner-up decision, and it is not a consolation prize. Even if we could conceive, we would still adopt. It's become rooted in who we are, and we're thankful for that.

Updates:

Nothing to speak of- paperwork, paperwork, and more paperwork- although we're nearing the end of this phase. Now we're on to education hours- wahoo! 

To all that have offered to help, THANK YOU. We are continuing to figure out fundraising options, and we will post more. Until next week, we love you all!