Good Reasons

We are beyond overwhelmed by the support and love we received after the last post- it was really nice to finally share the apparent lack of news! You all are incredible and we are very, very fortunate. There is news garbled in here somewhere, but I see that this is turning into a long post, so… sorry.

I don't know if I'm the only person that feels this way, but I feel a constant need to justify myself. I want to explain my thoughts and choices and I don't expect people to trust me just because I'm trustworthy- I need to make a case for myself. This isn't a particularly fun way to be- I'm sure I get very annoying, and   while I appreciate the confidence others have in me, I make a tiny mistake and feel like the world is crashing down.

That said, this has served us well while adopting and as foster parents.

So, things I didn't know about foster parenting until our friends began this journey:
You have to report EVERYTHING. Scratches, bumps, things you might ignore because *alert* one year olds tend to run into things… you have to document those things. Particularly if their biological parent is in the habit of complaining about these minor things, which many are.
There are a MILLION people involved in every case, and they all need to visit you at home.  Just for our case, we have had a case worker, three different certifiers, two different Early Intervention specialists, a CASA worker (Court Appointed Somethingorother Advocate), and soon a lawyer ALL visit our home. This doesn't even include the visitation workers that need to pick up/drop off the boys for their visits.
Everyone wants to know the latest and greatest… and sometimes there isn't anything… so you need to have details memorized.  How tall are they? How much do they weigh? What's his favorite ________ right now? What had he been doing since the last time I visited three weeks ago? Sometimes I want to just say "you know he's one, right? He's been trying to walk without falling. Great progress on that front. That's also why I've sent you three photos of different bumps this week." Obviously, as a parent, the little things feel like big things, but it's also difficult to explain this to people- or it is for me. Also, I had to prepare surveys for the boys to have when they go to their adoptive home, so that the adoptive parents will know that 3yo sleeps with a ladybug pillow. Let me tell you, I had a hard time filling that out- it was sobering to remember that someone else might be reading this.

The good news about my weird justification anxiety is that I have practiced and perfected techniques that are helping us now.  Why yes, I DID report that! I also explained how he got the bump on his head because he still hasn't gotten the hang of climbing off our tiny deck but I'm no longer helping him with it because he needs to practice it and yes I know that means he will sometimes fall those four inches and scrape or bump or whatever but I am managing his risks to enable him to be safe independently because it's an important life and developmental skill and he was sad for a minute but then he was fine and so yes he has a bump but this is why it doesn't concern me…

Believe it or not, that's been helpful for us.

Yesterday, we had court (!) and Paul was able to go- essentially this one was so the boys' judge could see what progress had been made, and something interesting came of that.

First of all, we have been named as the primary adoptive resource pending committee- this simply means that before a judge, the case worker, the CASA worker, a lawyer, and Paul all got to say that they support us as adoptive parents- yay!

Secondly, and this is my favorite part- someone (the lawyer? I forget who. Paul will have to remind me.) told Paul that basically, all of this means that the committee that decides yes or no for us would have to have a REALLY REALLY good reason if they said NO to us because we have the support of everyone else. It definitely feels now like the decision is less arbitrary- all of the explaining what we're doing for the boys, documentation, and building of relationships has put us in a very good place.

Lastly, here's what the next few months look like: The judge said that DHS needs to have a home study complete by the next court date, which is December 29th.  Before that can happen, the committee needs to decide who they home study is for- are they going to view us solo, or look at more families and then do a home study for someone else? This should be in October or early November, and then (hopefully) we would have an updated home study by the end of December. Home studies are another place where we need to explain every single detail and reason for every little thing, so we are well prepared.

We should know a committee date soon, which is really the biggest deal. We will let you know when that happens- hopefully sooner rather than later.

I think I'm going to get good at pictures of the back of their heads- here's a teaser for you since I still can't post their faces. Reading to each other, because of course- it's meant to be, right?

Thank you for your love, patience, and support. We appreciate you all!

Are you Ready?

Alright, big announcement (no I'm not pregnant), and it actually doesn't really have to do with the Marshall Islands, but I will eventually cover that as well.  But first, I'm going to subject you to my musings, so best of luck getting through this. :)

Lately, I've been thinking about the question, "Are you ready?"  If we answered truthfully, the response should always be no. I think most people are actually asking, "Are you ready enough?"  Ready enough to try? Ready enough to be successful? Ready enough to be confident?  Ready enough for the effort to be worth it? I think we're never quite ready for the many adventures we end up on, but we might be ready enough.

Way back when, a wise friend told Paul that he was overthinking having kids- that we would never, ever, be totally ready. She was right, of course.

In my last post (7 months ago- yikes!), I wrote about the things that we were doing to cope with the waiting.  To be clear, we ARE STILL WAITING for a referral from the Marshall Islands- but more on that in a bit.

One thing I mentioned was that we had been watching our friends' kiddos- their two daughters and two foster sons- to give them a break every couple of weeks, because oh man, four kids!  We began that just to help them out, and perhaps to teach Paul how to change a diaper :) . Surprisingly, we fell head over heels in love and everything began to change.  Their two foster sons were almost-2-years-old and 3 months old when we met them, and what they were going through was hitting a lot closer to home than we realized it would.  We began watching them more often, and then in May, we officially became their foster parents.

So, to answer questions:

• Yes, we would like to adopt them. They are adoptable currently, although family is the first step always, and even if no family members were available or willing, we might not be the first choice. 
• Yes, that seems crazy to us too. When I told a friend this, she said, "Wow… so are you ready to have your heart broken?" Well… no… but I'm ready enough to make it worth the effort and risk.  We are just trying to do right by these kids, and we would love to be lucky enough to get to do that for the rest of their lives, but we'll give them what we can while we can.  If that is just a loving home until they are moved elsewhere, we are trying to be okay with that. 
• No, we don't have a timeline. DHS is crazy crazy slow and frustrating, but from what we hear, this case is actually moving along faster than most do. We should have a committee date sometime soon, like within the next month or two, which will tell us whether or not we will prep our own homestudy or prep the boys for another adoptive home.
• No, we can't post pictures or their information. Sorry!  Their identities are not ours to share. Legally. They're super cute though, so if we ever get the opportunity… prepare for your newsfeed to be shut down with all those pics I'm posting.
• The oldest just turned 3, the youngest is 1. 
• Our friends, their previous foster parents, are the most incredible people. They're family in every non-biological way, and I cannot say enough how thankful we are that they said yes to these boys.  They showed love and grace and compassion that I can't imagine on my best day, much less with two kids that have lived through trauma and 3 kids under 3 years old in the house. (Seriously, they did that. This new pope seems pretty cool- anyone have an in with him so I can apply them for sainthood?)  They still watch the boys and love them as their own, and I'm sure that when the next kid is brought to them needing a roof and love, they will give that child everything too. 
• Yes, we've had them full-time since May, and no, we didn't tell everyone. Sorry.
• This was for various reasons- firstly, May is not an easy month to be a teacher, and I was overwhelmed, to say the least.  Again came that infamous question, "Are you ready?" HA! We certainly tried to be.   
• Second reason is that we can't post their info, so I was trying to find a delicate way to write, and it took me a while to actually put words to this.
• Third reason… we have a 3 year old. 
• Fourth reason… we have a 1 year old. 
• Fifth reason- it's been emotional. Posting it makes it real, and the more people that know, the more people we have to tell if they go to another home. 
• YES, we are ABSOLUTELY still pursuing an adoption from the Marshall Islands.  We still feel  like this is an important and necessary path for us to be on, but we took a rabbit trail along the way. As you have no doubt noticed, the adoption process has slowed for this program. We have some information as to why, but nothing definitive. We have to update our home study as foster parents, and we will have to update if we are able to adopt the boys, so our Marshallese adoption will have to be paused if we are fortunate enough to need to wait for the boys' visas and whatnot. 
• No news isn't good news, or bad news- with DHS, it's probably just no news. We will update when there is info to update on.

As always, we love you all and we are SO thankful for your support. We have been shown more grace and compassion than e ever dreamed possible as we transition to parenthood. We could not ever ever ever have done it without you all. 

Hurry Up and Wait

It has been a LONG time since the last post… sorry.

I've written several posts in my head, but none of them ever got any real traction, or took any real perspective.

Our friend Courtney used the phrase "Hurry up and wait," a lot when we were talking about filling out paperwork, waiting on docs from FBI or wherever, and it hasn't felt truer than it does right now- this is an adoption constant, and we feel it poignantly when we don't have new information. We were told that it would be like this- we would hurry to get things submitted, we would rush, rush, rush… and then it would be out of our hands.

This could get angsty pretty quickly, but what I'm going to write about is what we're doing during the waiting- so here's what we ARE doing, instead of what we aren't- our coping mechanisms.

* BOOKS! It will surprise none of you to find out that I've been cultivating the baby's library for years now- truthfully, since before we even started the adoption process. Library book sales, our childhood books, trips to Powells- it's a slow and wonderful process. Paul built an amazing bookshelf that is filling quickly- it's my way of coping in the day-to-day. We've had a bookshelf in the nursery for eight months, but the nursery was painted less than a month ago… obviously, this was a priority. Plus, it takes a long time to grow a good collection, and it's something I can actively contribute to- which isn't something I can say for the rest of the adoption.

* Prepping the nursery- we don't have a lot in there, but the room is painted thanks to some of our wonderful friends, and we have the crib and changing table- it's such a wonderful feeling to feel even remotely ready when we know that we will only have a month to REALLY prepare to travel and return with an infant.

* Projects- there are a handful or projects (like getting the garden ready-ish) that we have been/ are trying to finish because we know we won't have a lot of free time soon. It keeps the crazy at bay.

* Grants- even though we submitted them all a long time ago, Paul went back and checked them all- finding one that our agency hadn't followed up with, so it's paid off! He's had a no-stone-unturned approach to finishing the funding of the adoption. (And thank goodness- this part exhausted me.)

* Watching our friends' kiddos- some dear friends of ours have four kids- two biological daughters, and two foster sons- and Paul and I have been watching them every other Monday for months now for many reasons- we love our friends and want to give them the gift of time, we love their kids, we wanted to feel useful while we feel particularly useless, and Paul especially wanted to get more comfortable with the idea parenting even in the small ways.  It has been SUCH an enormous blessing to us, and we have loved every moment of it.



A lack of updates:
We're waiting.
Waiting for the referral, waiting to hear on the remaining grants… waiting.

We love you all and we're SO thankful for your continued support. Thank you!!!

Terrified

If I had to describe my mood one year ago today, it would have been terrified. Perhaps the scariest day of my life, to be honest, though I know that means that I've had a relatively charmed existence. It was the day that I got the email inviting us to join the Marshall Islands program.

Why on earth would this be terrifying?

To be clear, I'm going to talk about my thought process, not Paul's, and I'll start from the beginning, because I've heard from enough people that have walked through this thought process to know that it's important to talk about. Long post with some less pleasant things, so yeah, you've been warned.

Roughly 6 years ago, I told one of my best friends that I thought Paul and I wouldn't have biological kids. Let me tell you- this feeling came out of nowhere, and hit me like a ton of bricks. This was well before I started having fertility issues, before I knew this would be a dilemma. We could have gotten pregnant before then- we'd been married for almost 4 years, I'd taken time off of birth control and stuff, but I wasn't even remotely concerned yet that we would have issues with conceiving. And yet, I had this gut instinct, and it was sudden, and overwhelming. I also largely forgot about it in years to come, particularly as I was unwell and didn't know what was wrong yet.

5 years ago, I started to get sick, and I didn't know why. Over the course of about a year, I was diagnosed with endometriosis, then Celiac Disease, then insulin resistance, then Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS).  Over this year as well, probably stupidly in hind sight, we started trying to get pregnant. Needless to say, that didn't go as planned.

4.5 years ago, our friends Courtney and Chad adopted internationally. I asked Courtney every question I could think of, and adoption was blossoming in my mind. I didn't even know her well (yet), and Courtney answered extremely personal questions of every kind. Welcome to adoption, folks- make sure you're wearing your thick skin.

3.5 years ago, I had surgery to remove endometriosis. It helped with the pain, but it didn't help with the pregnancy.

2 years ago, Paul and I decided to adopt- we just had no idea what that would look like. The conversation had been happening between us for 2.5 years, but we didn't want to wait to start our family to see if I would ever get pregnant or not. We agreed on some programs, and not on others. Nothing felt right, nothing was fitting well, and we took this so seriously that we knew we both needed to be 100%, all in, in order to make it through the actual adoption process. We needed to be unified.

In March of 2013, I found out about the RMI program, which I've mentioned before- and it looked like the wait would be years. Possibly 5-6 years, theoretically, if every interested family signed up. I added our names to the list. We were number 79 on the waiting list just to GET information.  After March, though… we had no direction. We discussed domestic adoption, foster care, other countries internationally, but… everything felt wrong. I voiced this to Courtney once, and she said simply, "You're struggling because they're all good options. All adoptions are worthy of your time, all of them deserve your care and your energy. It's hard because they're all important."

For 7-8 months, this feeling of dread was tearing me up inside. What did it mean that we couldn't agree? What did it say about us that we couldn't come to a decision? Courtney's comment kept coming back to me, in both good and bad moments. Sometimes, it was "See, ANY program is good! Let's just go with one and start getting ready!" Other times, I was furious- if they're all worthy (and the kiddos definitely, definitely are), then how selfish were we to be dawdling around, weighing our options?

And yet, we still couldn't agree. I thought (and probably said) awful things about myself, about my husband. I was frustrated and terrified and growing wearier and wearier each time I skipped a period and still wasn't pregnant. Several times, I skipped 3-4 months in a row (a symptom of PCOS) and still… no little blue line, a doctor still shaking her head. I forgot that my husband was on my side, that we were a team in this, that he was hurting as well, that this was wearing on him too, that not deciding on a program left him in limbo just as much as it did me.

Was the world colluding against me to never, ever have children in my family?

And then, one year ago today, I got the email, and I was absolutely, completely terrified.

The email was simple- your number is up, we're ready for you. Here's the info, you have five days to decide. FIVE DAYS. Five days to make the most important decision of our lives, after the 2.5 years it took us to decide on adoption at all? After the last eight months, when we couldn't even agree on domestic or international? FIVE DAYS?!? I was sold instantly- this felt right in an ocean of uncertainty. I remembered believing years prior that this was how Paul and I would have children, and it felt like we had come full circle. This was why nothing else fit- because this was what we were meant for. If you haven't read this early post on why we chose the Marshall Islands, check this out.

Even though I was ecstatic, I also freaked out, because in the minute it took me to read that email, I had gotten my hopes up, higher than they'd ever been, and I wanted desperately to avoid those hopes coming crashing down. I panicked, and I didn't tell Paul until late that evening. We had friends coming over for dinner, and I held it together until they left. My mind was racing though- the question that overtook my brain was simply, What if he says no? What if, after all this, we can't agree on the only thing that has ever felt right?

Thankfully, there's a happy ending, obviously, and a happier ending to come. Things have worked out well, though the last year hasn't been in a walk in the park- but we have never, ever, second-guessed that decision. I can't go back in time and change how I handled the pain, the frustration, the fear. I am so happy about where we ended up that I think we had to go through this to get here. But if you're where I was… talk to someone.

To be honest, I was conflicted about writing this, because I don't ever want our child to think that they were our lesser option, because that is NOT the case. Adoption is not less than, it is not the plan B, it is not something we resigned ourselves to begrudgingly- we take joy in being where we are, and we are thrilled to be on this adventure. But I've found that there are a lot of beautiful stories about families that choose adoption even though they could theoretically conceive, and I love them for choosing this worthy, important child. I love them for standing up for those in need and for showing everyone the many ways a family can be made, and yet, I've always felt left out. We did try to conceive first, and we did struggle. Twelve years ago, when we started talking about our future family, adoption wasn't on our radar, and I feel this enormous guilt for that sometimes. I feel like that needs to be clear, because I'm not the first person to have struggled with fertility issues, and I'm not the first person to doubt themselves. I want to be faithful to that story, our story, and I'm tired of feeling guilty for that.

So this anniversary, this terrifying moment in my personal journey- it's symbolic now. It's symbolic of the shedding of the doubt in my heart, the letting go of the baggage that had been weighing me down. It represents the peak of fear, and what's on the other side. It's also a sign of the great things that come once the storm has passed.

Thanks to those that actually read this- we love you all (whether you finished or not)!

The CRAFT BAZAAR is Live!

Most of you know that crafts have a special place in my heart- I love handmade, artistic, personal things that have a story behind them. My motto tends to be, "I could probably make that", and I absolutely credit my parents for instilling this in me.

As we started talking about fundraisers, the idea of a craft bazaar got bounced around a lot because, while it's a fun, engaging way to raise money, it's also a lot of work. We finally decided to do this online out of practicality's sake, but it is finally here!

Check out the sale here , stop from today to December 10th to guarantee shipping by Christmas, and check back frequently for new items!

I'm adding photos of a few of the listings- a LOT of wonderful people helped to make this happen. Thank you to the wonderful Greg Helton and Josh Yates for taking and letting me use their photos- you can tell which ones they did because they're awesome, and which ones I took (because they're… not as awesome).  My parents, our aunt Peggy, my best friend Heather, and our friends Kel and Marci all donated huge numbers of handmade items for the sale, and they're all amazingly beautiful and wonderful. Some wonderful ladies- Rhonda, Kelly, Karissa, and Jenessa, all helped to get together and organize some of the projects I had unfinished, and I couldn't have gotten these done without them (Rhonda was the imagination behind the bow clips- amazing!).  To all of these people (I hope I'm not forgetting anyone)- THANK YOU. This literally couldn't have happened without you.

ONLINE CRAFT BAZAAR!

Alright, this is a mini-post because I think the details of the craft bazaar got lost in the middle of last week's post.

SO- the ONLINE CRAFT BAZAAR is a real thing, and here are the details for every kind of involvement:

Basic Details:

• Nov 1-Dec 10th (Delivery by Christmas!)
• I'll post the link to my Etsy store as we get closer- right now it is woefully disappointing.
• ALL SORTS of amazing crafty goodies!

If you want to DONATE your goods/services: 

• I'll sell anything handmade- preferably something shippable.
• Examples so far include hats, headbands, bookmarks, jewelry, bookends- and that's before I've even really announced it!
• You can EITHER:
• send me your goods before the 1st and I'll handle the shipping
• send me a photo/details before the 1st and you can ship items to buyers as they sell
• PLEASE price your items. I'm a very bad estimator. 

If you want to BUY:

• Look for the link on Nov 1st! I will keep adding new things and adjusting the stock- I will try very, very hard to keep everything updated. 
• Listings where something is "made to order" will be updated to indicate the amount of time it will take to create the item- please be careful, especially as we move closer to Christmas.
• If there's something in particular you're looking for, feel free to request it- I'll do my best. 

Mysteries

My lovely coworker has taken to asking if there is any new information in the "Mystery Maternity Leave". From here on out, we will give as many updates as possible, but we're really playing the waiting game- it's as much a mystery to us as it is to most of you. Most of the updates will be minor, until we get to the BIG update.

SO, updates, in no particular order-
1. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU to everyone that donated- we are so, so close to reaching the fundraising goal for our matching grant!!! Seriously, we were gifted about $6,000 by you amazing people and therefore will receive $6k in grant money- AMAZING.

2. We also received another small grant for $500 from one of the many applications! Again, if you are considering adoption or currently pursuing it, I am happy to share our grant list.

3. We are working towards our next fundraiser! We are going to be running an ONLINE CRAFT BAZAAR  via my Etsy store.

• Basic Details:
• Nov 1-Dec 10th (Delivery by Christmas!)
• I'll post the link to my Etsy store as we get closer- right now it is woefully disappointing.
• ALL SORTS of amazing crafty goodies!
• If you want to DONATE your goods/services: 
• I'll sell anything handmade- preferably something shippable.
• Examples so far include hats, headbands, bookmarks, jewelry, bookends- and that's before I've even really announced it!
• You can EITHER:
• send me your goods before the 1st and I'll handle the shipping
• send me a photo/details before the 1st and you can ship items to buyers as they sell
• PLEASE price your items. I'm a very bad estimator. 
• If you want to BUY:
• Look for the link on Nov 1st! I will keep adding new things and adjusting the stock- I will try very, very hard to keep everything updated. 
• Listings where something is "made to order" will be updated to indicate the amount of time it will take to create the item- please be careful, especially as we move closer to Christmas.
• If there's something in particular you're looking for, feel free to request it- I'll do my best. 

I am so looking forward to everything coming up- THANK YOU again for all of your support! We love you and we couldn't be doing this without you!