Being a Parent is Scary: A Love Letter to Healthcare Professionals

I have been visiting the doctor a LOT recently, so this is on the forefront of my mind, but having a good healthcare professional is invaluable, and we have been mostly very fortunate with this so far. (Side note: My sister is a nurse. I'm a little biased, but this really isn't about her.)

In January, Rayden split his forehead open in glorious fashion. He is, as many of you know, the clumsiest, most top-heavy kid on the planet. He was in the garage with Paul and Damien and face-planted on the water heater (the first of 3 large lacerations to his head that month), and ended up getting 3 stitches. (We really do watch him, I swear.)  His case worker later said she was surprised that we had managed to keep him out of the hospital that long- he often gets hurt just walking.

Because we had to report all injuries to his case worker, I was panicked. I was calling every number for her, I was calling other people at DHS- I was terrified that this would somehow mess up our adoption. Having everything you do scrutinized as a parent is not comfortable. I wasn't worried about the injury- they happen. My siblings and I were frequent flyers at the doctor's office with sports injuries, and I have seen a LOT.

Paul, however... not so much. I had not yet had a chance in our 13 years together to find out that he does not handle blood well. I wasn't even in a state to notice right then- I was crying because, as I pinned down our 1yo and he screamed, I was imagining the worst case scenarios- would he be taken away? Would we be able to continue as foster parents? Would someone report us?  Meanwhile, Paul was not having any of it- head wounds are serious bleeders- and the doctor asked a nurse to come in to relieve Paul, who had gotten more than a little pale.
 

The woman that came in- a roughly 50yo Native American woman- was perfection. She was helpful and efficient and walked into a room that already had a screaming child, said hi to Damien (in the corner of the room watching PBSkids on my phone), and was soothing to everyone. Even when we were done, I hadn't stopped crying because I hadn't heard from the case worker to assuage any of my fears. I thanked the doctor and the nurse and apologized for being a mess. They could see from his paperwork that we were not yet his legal guardians, and I explained my fear- and that nurse grabbed me in the biggest bear hug imaginable and whispered, "It's not your fault."

So simple, and yet exactly what I needed to hear. I owe her what's left of my sanity.


Fast forward to now, with my super weird pregnancy story that is all the cliches in one- and I am in LOVE with my entire doctor's office. I've had to see a lot of different doctors because I didn't schedule my appts months in advance, which means different nurses, lab techs, etc., and I have adored every. single. one. The boys LOVE the lab tech that has done almost all of my (many) blood draws- she gives them Tootsie Rolls, an easy win- and they know her by name. As I ask questions I should have known the answers to months ago, as I plan the future in fast forward, every single person has been encouraging and patient and wonderful. We're even becoming legends- several have come in and said, "Oh, YOU'RE the one that just found out! Right before the adoption? And three boys? So nice to put a face to the story!" I love them all with borderline obsession, because any modicum of peace I have gained has been from these professionals.

Slowly, too, their friendliness is winning over the kids, which I appreciate more than I can explain. My doctor is in a wing of a hospital, which I never gave a second thought to. In fact, I chose this office years ago intentionally BECAUSE it was a part of a hospital. The first time I questioned this was about a month ago- Damien had been having a rough weekend, and kept almost getting himself or Ray hurt- and we had been talking a lot about getting seriously hurt (and going to the hospital). He apparently mulled this over for a while, because at the dinner table he randomly said, "I don't want to go to the hospital and have a policeman take me away."

Whoa.

He has started to verbalize a little bit about things before foster care, and it's always hard to deal with. You never know what to say, or what he needs to hear. You try to not break down in front of anyone, but how do you not?

Damien and Rayden entered foster care after several days of meticulous note taking and reporting done by healthcare professionals that knew what warning signs to look for. Having read the MASSIVE intake reports from Rayden's time in the hospital, I am convinced that his life was saved. They did the difficult and necessary thing and rescued my son, before I knew he existed.  I've had to call CPS/DHS before for students, and it is one of the most difficult things I have ever done. The emotions are so hard to sort through, and the brain wants to think the best of everyone, justifying certain behaviors and giving people the benefit of the doubt. But without these people... I wouldn't have my sweet boy.

And, bonus! My wonderful doctors now have made Damien more comfortable in hospitals, which is a feat in and of itself. This is especially good, because it's not like I'm able to avoid them right now, obviously.

So, that's it. Sorry this was a terribly long post, and the closest thing you'll ever get to a baby bump picture. Tell all of your doctors, nurses, techs, receptionists, the greeters at the hospital, ALL OF THEM- that they're awesome, because they are.


I'm still not sure with what regularity I will post, but I do want to continue to be transparent about fostering and adopting, and my love for everyone in healthcare felt very close to those topics. Enjoy!  We love you, and thanks for reading!

Surprise- It's Official! We're a Family of... 5?

Yesterday was the big day- the adoption ceremony! We have officially, completely, legally adopted our sweet boys- meet Damien (almost 4) and Rayden (2yo)!

And, because God has a weird sense of humor, here's our 3rd son, He-Who-Has-Yet-to-be-Named Johnson!

I know... not the announcement you were expecting, right? Me neither.

So, to stave off the questions, and since I've pretty well chronicled my infertility, here's the deal. The observant, or experienced, among you will notice that's not a first-trimester sonogram. That's the result of the usual 20-week anatomy sonogram, only for us, it determined that I'm at 24 weeks.

I'm still in shock, too.

So, if you've been following the blog, you can see times when I have talked about our infertility and the various complications, so suffice it to say that we were fairly sure that I couldn't get pregnant. Skipping periods is pretty normal for me, so I wasn't shocked when I skipped a whole bunch of months (7ish)- I took pregnancy tests like usual (all negative) and figured that it was wacky old hormones again, preparing me for another simulated miscarriage. Yippeeeeee.  Every test was negative (Paul contests that on one point, so don't be surprised if you hear him argue), but seriously- multiple tests, different brands, different months- all negative.  All of my other symptoms were totally in line with my other diseases, and I really didn't have many symptoms. I got sick a few times, but there was no ongoing morning sickness- I was tired, but what teacher isn't tired in May/June? I had abdominal pain starting about a month ago, which I assumed was endometriosis/ more cysts, and I was trying to make it through our trip to Cali so I could come home and schedule a hysterectomy.

And then I felt the baby moving.

The night of the 4th of July, I got home and couldn't sleep, because apparently fireworks until 1 in the morning is a thing I should just be accustomed to. Our newest son decided that was the time to try out for the World Cup with a stunning round of cervical soccer, and I knew this was NOT cysts (duh). I hadn't felt him move before, I hadn't had other symptoms, so I'm sitting there Googling "when do babies start to kick" trying to wrap my head around the possibility.

I went in last Tuesday for the blood test. The technical response from the advice nurse was that I was "whoa way pregnant".

Thursday, they fit me in for the big sonogram, and Paul and I were stunned as the tech took one look at the baby (it literally took 5 seconds) before going back to adjust all of his settings to zoom out- we weren't looking at a lima bean.  By the end of the appointment, we had an estimated due date of October 24th.

Of course I had (have) a difficult time wrapping my head around this- I grieved infertility a really long time ago, and now I have to listen to a million of the "If you're having trouble getting pregnant, just adopt!" jokes (and I'm counting- only a handful of people know and I'm already at 7). Oh, boy.  We still don't have answers for a lot of these questions, because we had a kind of big week ahead. Which brings us to...

Adoption day!

We were so fortunate to have people we love there, even if many people we love couldn't attend. The judge was warm and extremely patient, as Damien and Rayden were... energetic. First, they thought that the microphone at the defendant's desk meant they were supposed to sing, which they did, loudly. Then they kept running back to their first foster dad because he is their favorite person in all the lands. Finally, Damien decided he wanted to be a judge, and was allowed to help stamp his own paperwork.  Rayden followed suit, of course, while we all laughed and cried. Some of us cried more than others. (Lookin' at you, friend Kiersten ;) )

It was perfect and crazy and hilarious and wonderful, and such a relief. We all went to dinner afterwards for good food and terrible service at our favorite local place, and it felt like home.

And to answer the question, yes- it feels different. I can't explain it, but today feels a world apart from this time yesterday.  Officially Damien Ash Johnson (middle name given as a thank you to Ashley, his first foster mom, the Patron Saint of Patience), and Rayden Chance Johnson (new middle name a bit more literal, and adorably fitting)- it's finally real.

HUGE thanks go to everyone that has supported us and will support us in the future- we have a wonderful community of giving and loving people and we could not have done any part of this alone.  I'll say this every single day of my life- not everyone can be a foster parent (or even wants to be a parent at all), but supporting those that are is what makes the world go 'round. One person met me at Target the other day for a 30 minute trip just so she could push a cart (with two kids) around while I did the same, because we had a shelter placement and I couldn't fathom going to the store alone with a 2, 3, 4, and 5 year old (three of those kids with diagnosed ADHD and INSANE amounts of energy). Another friend just rode in the car with me to the lawyer's office so she could stay in the car and I wouldn't have to bring in 4 kids. Even with just our own two, we have had SO MUCH support- from meals and babysitting to cheerleading- and that's something anyone can do! If being a supporter means that you can help equip someone else to foster, then do it!

To everyone that we didn't contact about the pregnancy yet- we are TRULY sorry. Everything's running in double time, so we didn't get to contact everyone we would have liked before the public announcement. And since I'm starting to look pregnant, the cat's out of the bag. Please know that we didn't mean to offend or slight anyone, and we love you all!

I have a feeling I'll keep the blog running, but we'll see. Now I can post pictures of the kiddos, so be prepared! We love you all, and we love the way you have loved us through this process. My thanks will never properly express it, but still- THANK YOU!

Grief

NOT BAD NEWS, JUST THOUGHTS...

Sorry, I felt like I had to begin with a disclaimer or people would assume the worst. On to the regular post.


Not that long ago, I read, "Grief isn't something you move past- it is a weight that you learn to carry." I can't find it now, so I can't cite the source, but the truth of it has lived with me and helped me understand grief better. Don't worry- we're not in some awful place right now- I'm just being introspective. That's probably why I can write about it with some clarity instead of watching Sleepless in Seattle on repeat. What- you've never done that?

I think there are things we grieve that have so little weight that we forget them almost entirely (like high school boyfriends). They feel heavy with loss at the time because we haven't adjusted to the new burden, but then we barely even notice them.

There are things we mourn that we only feel occasionally, like the times I miss Los Angeles. This type of a loss feels heavy momentarily, like the strap of my backpack slipped off for a moment, but then it balances back out.

Then, it seems, there are losses that are so heavy that they are a part of who we are- struggles that cause an almost consistent ache, burdens that may feel slightly lighter over time, but the load you bear can never be rid of these. The trick, I'm finding, is to learn how to carry those so that we continue to move forward, instead of being buried by them.

Yesterday we had our now 2 year old's birthday party (!) and I was talking with a fellow foster mom about how she's going to talk to her kids about their birth parents. She has two bio kids and two foster sons, about the same age as our two sons, and these four sweet boys have suffered such devastating losses in their few years- losses I will never completely understand, and losses that they don't fully comprehend yet. These are things we will have to discuss, and we are committed to discussing openly to fight the stigma surrounding adoption and foster care... but that doesn't mean it's easy, or even that it will get easier.

Paul and I have grieved many things in our combined years, some of those things more tangible than others. He lost his father after years of separation, and I watched him grieve not only the loss of his father, but also the loss of what could have been- possible reconciliation, possible grandparenting, possible friendship even. We grieved the loss of our expectations through the fertility struggles- the adorable White Picket Fence family we had planned was no longer a likelihood, and the loss of that dream was difficult. We grieved What Might Have Been, as so many do.

Even now, my grief feels so small when I have these two amazing blessings in front of me- these two wonderful children that have so much more to grieve than I will ever know. We prepare for those conversations, but what do we say? How do we prepare them for a time when this grief will be a thing that they have to carry more independently?

I don't have an answer, but I know that we are devoted to trying. We will help them carry this weight for as long as possible, as many others helped us carry our burdens. We can't carry it all, and we can't carry it forever, but we will try to teach them how to persevere and come out stronger because the other option is sinking beneath it all, and what kind of a life is that?

Thank you for the many people that helped us carry our various weights until we were ready to handle the losses more independently- we are in debt to those that kept us looking towards the horizon.



In other news-

We are SO STINKING CLOSE to this adoption being done! We have a tentative court date (that has already changed once), but the boys should legally be ours by the end of April!  Let's just pray my heart doesn't give out before then. Sorry I'm awful at the updates- let's all pretend I'm going to get better at that, okay?

Recommended!

Today was the day- and we have officially been recommended as the primary adoptive resource for the boys!

I don't have anything insightful to say- I have been a mess. Little sleep, mostly walking around like a zombie, definitely on edge- I am SO glad we don't have to wait to find out anymore.

The next step is our home study. We already have a completed home study for the Marshall Islands, so they only have to update, which is a comparatively simple process, but it does take 1-3 months. After that, our home study is selected- which is pretty easy because ours is the only one being viewed now :)
After that, there are some smaller steps and then everything goes to the district office and we can finalize! All said, this should take somewhere around 6 months. (!!!)

I'm still sort of dazed- it hasn't really sunk in- but it feels a little bit like our wedding day where I have flashes that I'm sure I'll never forget. Certain moments- like hearing our case worker say we were recommended after only 8 minutes of deliberation, telling friends over and over as we were sure we were forgetting people, talking to my parents, my boss mauling me in the lunch room while screaming, "I told you so!"- these are all things that will always come to mind when I think of today.

So, for those of you that were a part of these memories, thank you for helping to make our day even more incredible. If this is how we're telling you the good news, please know that we feel your love and support constantly and we couldn't have done this without you.

We love you all! We will continue to update as things progress, but for now, we will rest in this wonderful moment. :)

Balance

Thoughts and news intermingled, as usual.

We obviously didn't intend to enter foster care- foster care found us instead through two adorable little boys. We weren't totally prepared for what that meant for our family, and we had spent so long preparing for a very different adoption journey.

As I've tried to explain before, the next step for us is a committee date- the Placement Committee is when a panel of people that are involved with DHS in different ways, many as volunteers, decide whether or not Paul and I get named as the primary adoptive resource for the boys. They will either say "Yes! Go do the home study now!" or "Mehhhh…. let's see who else is out there." The silver lining is that because we have established what's called a "Significant Relationship" with them (and yes, this is an official title) that we can't be told no completely yet- if this committee says no, we still get viewed with other adoptive resources at another committee, which would happen weeks afterwards. In theory, even if they say no, we would have another chance.

But they won't say no… right?

The struggle for us with this process has been that we know all too well that it might NOT be us chosen, and that we are investing in these worthy, incredible boys without knowing if we'll see how things turn out. We have to prepare ourselves for the worst, but also invest like we expect the best.

That's not to say that we wouldn't invest in them anyway- whether they stay with us or not- but there has to be a balance. 1 y.o. is the one that started calling us Mommy and Daddy first. For both of these boys, we are not the only people that have held these titles, and we promised ourselves that we would never ASK them to call us that until we knew the outcome… but you also can't tell a 1y.o. (or a 3 y.o.) to call you something else and then change your mind- you can't say, "No! I'm Kirsten!" and then say, "Well, NOW you can call me Mommy," without confusing the heck out of them and possibly retraumatizing them.  So we answer to Mommy and Daddy, praying that we're going to be the last people they call that, but knowing that it will break our hearts if we're not.  We have to keep those smiles even when we know that the implications are much more serious than they realize.

So… our Placement Committee is this Thursday, at 8:30 am. We are in for part of the meeting, and then out for the other part. There is a chance that we will know at the end of the committee, around 10 am, what their choice is. They have up to 24 hours, though, to make the decision. So by Friday, we will know if it's a yes or not. Prayers, warm thoughts, well-wishes… they would all be appreciated because I am SURE we will be wrecks.

Until then, we're trying to maintain a balance between 1)enjoying the time we know we have while worrying ourselves into a breakdown and 2) reassuring ourselves that this is still  just the beginning for our family.  It's the same tightrope walk that has dictated the last 6 months- balancing between giving them everything and not losing ourselves in the process.

Thanks again for all of the support and encouragement- we have been shown such extreme love and grace. You are wonderful and we SO appreciate knowing that we're not alone! We love you all!

Good Reasons

We are beyond overwhelmed by the support and love we received after the last post- it was really nice to finally share the apparent lack of news! You all are incredible and we are very, very fortunate. There is news garbled in here somewhere, but I see that this is turning into a long post, so… sorry.

I don't know if I'm the only person that feels this way, but I feel a constant need to justify myself. I want to explain my thoughts and choices and I don't expect people to trust me just because I'm trustworthy- I need to make a case for myself. This isn't a particularly fun way to be- I'm sure I get very annoying, and   while I appreciate the confidence others have in me, I make a tiny mistake and feel like the world is crashing down.

That said, this has served us well while adopting and as foster parents.

So, things I didn't know about foster parenting until our friends began this journey:
You have to report EVERYTHING. Scratches, bumps, things you might ignore because *alert* one year olds tend to run into things… you have to document those things. Particularly if their biological parent is in the habit of complaining about these minor things, which many are.
There are a MILLION people involved in every case, and they all need to visit you at home.  Just for our case, we have had a case worker, three different certifiers, two different Early Intervention specialists, a CASA worker (Court Appointed Somethingorother Advocate), and soon a lawyer ALL visit our home. This doesn't even include the visitation workers that need to pick up/drop off the boys for their visits.
Everyone wants to know the latest and greatest… and sometimes there isn't anything… so you need to have details memorized.  How tall are they? How much do they weigh? What's his favorite ________ right now? What had he been doing since the last time I visited three weeks ago? Sometimes I want to just say "you know he's one, right? He's been trying to walk without falling. Great progress on that front. That's also why I've sent you three photos of different bumps this week." Obviously, as a parent, the little things feel like big things, but it's also difficult to explain this to people- or it is for me. Also, I had to prepare surveys for the boys to have when they go to their adoptive home, so that the adoptive parents will know that 3yo sleeps with a ladybug pillow. Let me tell you, I had a hard time filling that out- it was sobering to remember that someone else might be reading this.

The good news about my weird justification anxiety is that I have practiced and perfected techniques that are helping us now.  Why yes, I DID report that! I also explained how he got the bump on his head because he still hasn't gotten the hang of climbing off our tiny deck but I'm no longer helping him with it because he needs to practice it and yes I know that means he will sometimes fall those four inches and scrape or bump or whatever but I am managing his risks to enable him to be safe independently because it's an important life and developmental skill and he was sad for a minute but then he was fine and so yes he has a bump but this is why it doesn't concern me…

Believe it or not, that's been helpful for us.

Yesterday, we had court (!) and Paul was able to go- essentially this one was so the boys' judge could see what progress had been made, and something interesting came of that.

First of all, we have been named as the primary adoptive resource pending committee- this simply means that before a judge, the case worker, the CASA worker, a lawyer, and Paul all got to say that they support us as adoptive parents- yay!

Secondly, and this is my favorite part- someone (the lawyer? I forget who. Paul will have to remind me.) told Paul that basically, all of this means that the committee that decides yes or no for us would have to have a REALLY REALLY good reason if they said NO to us because we have the support of everyone else. It definitely feels now like the decision is less arbitrary- all of the explaining what we're doing for the boys, documentation, and building of relationships has put us in a very good place.

Lastly, here's what the next few months look like: The judge said that DHS needs to have a home study complete by the next court date, which is December 29th.  Before that can happen, the committee needs to decide who they home study is for- are they going to view us solo, or look at more families and then do a home study for someone else? This should be in October or early November, and then (hopefully) we would have an updated home study by the end of December. Home studies are another place where we need to explain every single detail and reason for every little thing, so we are well prepared.

We should know a committee date soon, which is really the biggest deal. We will let you know when that happens- hopefully sooner rather than later.

I think I'm going to get good at pictures of the back of their heads- here's a teaser for you since I still can't post their faces. Reading to each other, because of course- it's meant to be, right?

Thank you for your love, patience, and support. We appreciate you all!

Are you Ready?

Alright, big announcement (no I'm not pregnant), and it actually doesn't really have to do with the Marshall Islands, but I will eventually cover that as well.  But first, I'm going to subject you to my musings, so best of luck getting through this. :)

Lately, I've been thinking about the question, "Are you ready?"  If we answered truthfully, the response should always be no. I think most people are actually asking, "Are you ready enough?"  Ready enough to try? Ready enough to be successful? Ready enough to be confident?  Ready enough for the effort to be worth it? I think we're never quite ready for the many adventures we end up on, but we might be ready enough.

Way back when, a wise friend told Paul that he was overthinking having kids- that we would never, ever, be totally ready. She was right, of course.

In my last post (7 months ago- yikes!), I wrote about the things that we were doing to cope with the waiting.  To be clear, we ARE STILL WAITING for a referral from the Marshall Islands- but more on that in a bit.

One thing I mentioned was that we had been watching our friends' kiddos- their two daughters and two foster sons- to give them a break every couple of weeks, because oh man, four kids!  We began that just to help them out, and perhaps to teach Paul how to change a diaper :) . Surprisingly, we fell head over heels in love and everything began to change.  Their two foster sons were almost-2-years-old and 3 months old when we met them, and what they were going through was hitting a lot closer to home than we realized it would.  We began watching them more often, and then in May, we officially became their foster parents.

So, to answer questions:

• Yes, we would like to adopt them. They are adoptable currently, although family is the first step always, and even if no family members were available or willing, we might not be the first choice. 
• Yes, that seems crazy to us too. When I told a friend this, she said, "Wow… so are you ready to have your heart broken?" Well… no… but I'm ready enough to make it worth the effort and risk.  We are just trying to do right by these kids, and we would love to be lucky enough to get to do that for the rest of their lives, but we'll give them what we can while we can.  If that is just a loving home until they are moved elsewhere, we are trying to be okay with that. 
• No, we don't have a timeline. DHS is crazy crazy slow and frustrating, but from what we hear, this case is actually moving along faster than most do. We should have a committee date sometime soon, like within the next month or two, which will tell us whether or not we will prep our own homestudy or prep the boys for another adoptive home.
• No, we can't post pictures or their information. Sorry!  Their identities are not ours to share. Legally. They're super cute though, so if we ever get the opportunity… prepare for your newsfeed to be shut down with all those pics I'm posting.
• The oldest just turned 3, the youngest is 1. 
• Our friends, their previous foster parents, are the most incredible people. They're family in every non-biological way, and I cannot say enough how thankful we are that they said yes to these boys.  They showed love and grace and compassion that I can't imagine on my best day, much less with two kids that have lived through trauma and 3 kids under 3 years old in the house. (Seriously, they did that. This new pope seems pretty cool- anyone have an in with him so I can apply them for sainthood?)  They still watch the boys and love them as their own, and I'm sure that when the next kid is brought to them needing a roof and love, they will give that child everything too. 
• Yes, we've had them full-time since May, and no, we didn't tell everyone. Sorry.
• This was for various reasons- firstly, May is not an easy month to be a teacher, and I was overwhelmed, to say the least.  Again came that infamous question, "Are you ready?" HA! We certainly tried to be.   
• Second reason is that we can't post their info, so I was trying to find a delicate way to write, and it took me a while to actually put words to this.
• Third reason… we have a 3 year old. 
• Fourth reason… we have a 1 year old. 
• Fifth reason- it's been emotional. Posting it makes it real, and the more people that know, the more people we have to tell if they go to another home. 
• YES, we are ABSOLUTELY still pursuing an adoption from the Marshall Islands.  We still feel  like this is an important and necessary path for us to be on, but we took a rabbit trail along the way. As you have no doubt noticed, the adoption process has slowed for this program. We have some information as to why, but nothing definitive. We have to update our home study as foster parents, and we will have to update if we are able to adopt the boys, so our Marshallese adoption will have to be paused if we are fortunate enough to need to wait for the boys' visas and whatnot. 
• No news isn't good news, or bad news- with DHS, it's probably just no news. We will update when there is info to update on.

As always, we love you all and we are SO thankful for your support. We have been shown more grace and compassion than e ever dreamed possible as we transition to parenthood. We could not ever ever ever have done it without you all.