I don't know if I'm the only person that feels this way, but I feel a constant need to justify myself. I want to explain my thoughts and choices and I don't expect people to trust me just because I'm trustworthy- I need to make a case for myself. This isn't a particularly fun way to be- I'm sure I get very annoying, and while I appreciate the confidence others have in me, I make a tiny mistake and feel like the world is crashing down.
That said, this has served us well while adopting and as foster parents.
So, things I didn't know about foster parenting until our friends began this journey:
You have to report EVERYTHING. Scratches, bumps, things you might ignore because *alert* one year olds tend to run into things… you have to document those things. Particularly if their biological parent is in the habit of complaining about these minor things, which many are.
There are a MILLION people involved in every case, and they all need to visit you at home. Just for our case, we have had a case worker, three different certifiers, two different Early Intervention specialists, a CASA worker (Court Appointed Somethingorother Advocate), and soon a lawyer ALL visit our home. This doesn't even include the visitation workers that need to pick up/drop off the boys for their visits.
Everyone wants to know the latest and greatest… and sometimes there isn't anything… so you need to have details memorized. How tall are they? How much do they weigh? What's his favorite ________ right now? What had he been doing since the last time I visited three weeks ago? Sometimes I want to just say "you know he's one, right? He's been trying to walk without falling. Great progress on that front. That's also why I've sent you three photos of different bumps this week." Obviously, as a parent, the little things feel like big things, but it's also difficult to explain this to people- or it is for me. Also, I had to prepare surveys for the boys to have when they go to their adoptive home, so that the adoptive parents will know that 3yo sleeps with a ladybug pillow. Let me tell you, I had a hard time filling that out- it was sobering to remember that someone else might be reading this.
The good news about my weird justification anxiety is that I have practiced and perfected techniques that are helping us now. Why yes, I DID report that! I also explained how he got the bump on his head because he still hasn't gotten the hang of climbing off our tiny deck but I'm no longer helping him with it because he needs to practice it and yes I know that means he will sometimes fall those four inches and scrape or bump or whatever but I am managing his risks to enable him to be safe independently because it's an important life and developmental skill and he was sad for a minute but then he was fine and so yes he has a bump but this is why it doesn't concern me…
Believe it or not, that's been helpful for us.
Yesterday, we had court (!) and Paul was able to go- essentially this one was so the boys' judge could see what progress had been made, and something interesting came of that.
First of all, we have been named as the primary adoptive resource pending committee- this simply means that before a judge, the case worker, the CASA worker, a lawyer, and Paul all got to say that they support us as adoptive parents- yay!
Secondly, and this is my favorite part- someone (the lawyer? I forget who. Paul will have to remind me.) told Paul that basically, all of this means that the committee that decides yes or no for us would have to have a REALLY REALLY good reason if they said NO to us because we have the support of everyone else. It definitely feels now like the decision is less arbitrary- all of the explaining what we're doing for the boys, documentation, and building of relationships has put us in a very good place.
Lastly, here's what the next few months look like: The judge said that DHS needs to have a home study complete by the next court date, which is December 29th. Before that can happen, the committee needs to decide who they home study is for- are they going to view us solo, or look at more families and then do a home study for someone else? This should be in October or early November, and then (hopefully) we would have an updated home study by the end of December. Home studies are another place where we need to explain every single detail and reason for every little thing, so we are well prepared.
We should know a committee date soon, which is really the biggest deal. We will let you know when that happens- hopefully sooner rather than later.I think I'm going to get good at pictures of the back of their heads- here's a teaser for you since I still can't post their faces. Reading to each other, because of course- it's meant to be, right?
Thank you for your love, patience, and support. We appreciate you all!
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