Today was the day- and we have officially been recommended as the primary adoptive resource for the boys!
I don't have anything insightful to say- I have been a mess. Little sleep, mostly walking around like a zombie, definitely on edge- I am SO glad we don't have to wait to find out anymore.
The next step is our home study. We already have a completed home study for the Marshall Islands, so they only have to update, which is a comparatively simple process, but it does take 1-3 months. After that, our home study is selected- which is pretty easy because ours is the only one being viewed now :)
After that, there are some smaller steps and then everything goes to the district office and we can finalize! All said, this should take somewhere around 6 months. (!!!)
I'm still sort of dazed- it hasn't really sunk in- but it feels a little bit like our wedding day where I have flashes that I'm sure I'll never forget. Certain moments- like hearing our case worker say we were recommended after only 8 minutes of deliberation, telling friends over and over as we were sure we were forgetting people, talking to my parents, my boss mauling me in the lunch room while screaming, "I told you so!"- these are all things that will always come to mind when I think of today.
So, for those of you that were a part of these memories, thank you for helping to make our day even more incredible. If this is how we're telling you the good news, please know that we feel your love and support constantly and we couldn't have done this without you.
We love you all! We will continue to update as things progress, but for now, we will rest in this wonderful moment. :)
10/22/2015
10/17/2015
Balance
Thoughts and news intermingled, as usual.
We obviously didn't intend to enter foster care- foster care found us instead through two adorable little boys. We weren't totally prepared for what that meant for our family, and we had spent so long preparing for a very different adoption journey.
As I've tried to explain before, the next step for us is a committee date- the Placement Committee is when a panel of people that are involved with DHS in different ways, many as volunteers, decide whether or not Paul and I get named as the primary adoptive resource for the boys. They will either say "Yes! Go do the home study now!" or "Mehhhh…. let's see who else is out there." The silver lining is that because we have established what's called a "Significant Relationship" with them (and yes, this is an official title) that we can't be told no completely yet- if this committee says no, we still get viewed with other adoptive resources at another committee, which would happen weeks afterwards. In theory, even if they say no, we would have another chance.
But they won't say no… right?
The struggle for us with this process has been that we know all too well that it might NOT be us chosen, and that we are investing in these worthy, incredible boys without knowing if we'll see how things turn out. We have to prepare ourselves for the worst, but also invest like we expect the best.
That's not to say that we wouldn't invest in them anyway- whether they stay with us or not- but there has to be a balance. 1 y.o. is the one that started calling us Mommy and Daddy first. For both of these boys, we are not the only people that have held these titles, and we promised ourselves that we would never ASK them to call us that until we knew the outcome… but you also can't tell a 1y.o. (or a 3 y.o.) to call you something else and then change your mind- you can't say, "No! I'm Kirsten!" and then say, "Well, NOW you can call me Mommy," without confusing the heck out of them and possibly retraumatizing them. So we answer to Mommy and Daddy, praying that we're going to be the last people they call that, but knowing that it will break our hearts if we're not. We have to keep those smiles even when we know that the implications are much more serious than they realize.
So… our Placement Committee is this Thursday, at 8:30 am. We are in for part of the meeting, and then out for the other part. There is a chance that we will know at the end of the committee, around 10 am, what their choice is. They have up to 24 hours, though, to make the decision. So by Friday, we will know if it's a yes or not. Prayers, warm thoughts, well-wishes… they would all be appreciated because I am SURE we will be wrecks.
Until then, we're trying to maintain a balance between 1)enjoying the time we know we have while worrying ourselves into a breakdown and 2) reassuring ourselves that this is still just the beginning for our family. It's the same tightrope walk that has dictated the last 6 months- balancing between giving them everything and not losing ourselves in the process.
Thanks again for all of the support and encouragement- we have been shown such extreme love and grace. You are wonderful and we SO appreciate knowing that we're not alone! We love you all!
We obviously didn't intend to enter foster care- foster care found us instead through two adorable little boys. We weren't totally prepared for what that meant for our family, and we had spent so long preparing for a very different adoption journey.
As I've tried to explain before, the next step for us is a committee date- the Placement Committee is when a panel of people that are involved with DHS in different ways, many as volunteers, decide whether or not Paul and I get named as the primary adoptive resource for the boys. They will either say "Yes! Go do the home study now!" or "Mehhhh…. let's see who else is out there." The silver lining is that because we have established what's called a "Significant Relationship" with them (and yes, this is an official title) that we can't be told no completely yet- if this committee says no, we still get viewed with other adoptive resources at another committee, which would happen weeks afterwards. In theory, even if they say no, we would have another chance.
But they won't say no… right?
The struggle for us with this process has been that we know all too well that it might NOT be us chosen, and that we are investing in these worthy, incredible boys without knowing if we'll see how things turn out. We have to prepare ourselves for the worst, but also invest like we expect the best.
That's not to say that we wouldn't invest in them anyway- whether they stay with us or not- but there has to be a balance. 1 y.o. is the one that started calling us Mommy and Daddy first. For both of these boys, we are not the only people that have held these titles, and we promised ourselves that we would never ASK them to call us that until we knew the outcome… but you also can't tell a 1y.o. (or a 3 y.o.) to call you something else and then change your mind- you can't say, "No! I'm Kirsten!" and then say, "Well, NOW you can call me Mommy," without confusing the heck out of them and possibly retraumatizing them. So we answer to Mommy and Daddy, praying that we're going to be the last people they call that, but knowing that it will break our hearts if we're not. We have to keep those smiles even when we know that the implications are much more serious than they realize.
So… our Placement Committee is this Thursday, at 8:30 am. We are in for part of the meeting, and then out for the other part. There is a chance that we will know at the end of the committee, around 10 am, what their choice is. They have up to 24 hours, though, to make the decision. So by Friday, we will know if it's a yes or not. Prayers, warm thoughts, well-wishes… they would all be appreciated because I am SURE we will be wrecks.
Until then, we're trying to maintain a balance between 1)enjoying the time we know we have while worrying ourselves into a breakdown and 2) reassuring ourselves that this is still just the beginning for our family. It's the same tightrope walk that has dictated the last 6 months- balancing between giving them everything and not losing ourselves in the process.
Thanks again for all of the support and encouragement- we have been shown such extreme love and grace. You are wonderful and we SO appreciate knowing that we're not alone! We love you all!
9/30/2015
Good Reasons
We are beyond overwhelmed by the support and love we received after the last post- it was really nice to finally share the apparent lack of news! You all are incredible and we are very, very fortunate. There is news garbled in here somewhere, but I see that this is turning into a long post, so… sorry.
I don't know if I'm the only person that feels this way, but I feel a constant need to justify myself. I want to explain my thoughts and choices and I don't expect people to trust me just because I'm trustworthy- I need to make a case for myself. This isn't a particularly fun way to be- I'm sure I get very annoying, and while I appreciate the confidence others have in me, I make a tiny mistake and feel like the world is crashing down.
That said, this has served us well while adopting and as foster parents.
So, things I didn't know about foster parenting until our friends began this journey:
You have to report EVERYTHING. Scratches, bumps, things you might ignore because *alert* one year olds tend to run into things… you have to document those things. Particularly if their biological parent is in the habit of complaining about these minor things, which many are.
There are a MILLION people involved in every case, and they all need to visit you at home. Just for our case, we have had a case worker, three different certifiers, two different Early Intervention specialists, a CASA worker (Court Appointed Somethingorother Advocate), and soon a lawyer ALL visit our home. This doesn't even include the visitation workers that need to pick up/drop off the boys for their visits.
Everyone wants to know the latest and greatest… and sometimes there isn't anything… so you need to have details memorized. How tall are they? How much do they weigh? What's his favorite ________ right now? What had he been doing since the last time I visited three weeks ago? Sometimes I want to just say "you know he's one, right? He's been trying to walk without falling. Great progress on that front. That's also why I've sent you three photos of different bumps this week." Obviously, as a parent, the little things feel like big things, but it's also difficult to explain this to people- or it is for me. Also, I had to prepare surveys for the boys to have when they go to their adoptive home, so that the adoptive parents will know that 3yo sleeps with a ladybug pillow. Let me tell you, I had a hard time filling that out- it was sobering to remember that someone else might be reading this.
The good news about my weird justification anxiety is that I have practiced and perfected techniques that are helping us now. Why yes, I DID report that! I also explained how he got the bump on his head because he still hasn't gotten the hang of climbing off our tiny deck but I'm no longer helping him with it because he needs to practice it and yes I know that means he will sometimes fall those four inches and scrape or bump or whatever but I am managing his risks to enable him to be safe independently because it's an important life and developmental skill and he was sad for a minute but then he was fine and so yes he has a bump but this is why it doesn't concern me…
Believe it or not, that's been helpful for us.
Yesterday, we had court (!) and Paul was able to go- essentially this one was so the boys' judge could see what progress had been made, and something interesting came of that.
First of all, we have been named as the primary adoptive resource pending committee- this simply means that before a judge, the case worker, the CASA worker, a lawyer, and Paul all got to say that they support us as adoptive parents- yay!
Secondly, and this is my favorite part- someone (the lawyer? I forget who. Paul will have to remind me.) told Paul that basically, all of this means that the committee that decides yes or no for us would have to have a REALLY REALLY good reason if they said NO to us because we have the support of everyone else. It definitely feels now like the decision is less arbitrary- all of the explaining what we're doing for the boys, documentation, and building of relationships has put us in a very good place.
Lastly, here's what the next few months look like: The judge said that DHS needs to have a home study complete by the next court date, which is December 29th. Before that can happen, the committee needs to decide who they home study is for- are they going to view us solo, or look at more families and then do a home study for someone else? This should be in October or early November, and then (hopefully) we would have an updated home study by the end of December. Home studies are another place where we need to explain every single detail and reason for every little thing, so we are well prepared.
We should know a committee date soon, which is really the biggest deal. We will let you know when that happens- hopefully sooner rather than later.
I think I'm going to get good at pictures of the back of their heads- here's a teaser for you since I still can't post their faces. Reading to each other, because of course- it's meant to be, right?
Thank you for your love, patience, and support. We appreciate you all!
I don't know if I'm the only person that feels this way, but I feel a constant need to justify myself. I want to explain my thoughts and choices and I don't expect people to trust me just because I'm trustworthy- I need to make a case for myself. This isn't a particularly fun way to be- I'm sure I get very annoying, and while I appreciate the confidence others have in me, I make a tiny mistake and feel like the world is crashing down.
That said, this has served us well while adopting and as foster parents.
So, things I didn't know about foster parenting until our friends began this journey:
You have to report EVERYTHING. Scratches, bumps, things you might ignore because *alert* one year olds tend to run into things… you have to document those things. Particularly if their biological parent is in the habit of complaining about these minor things, which many are.
There are a MILLION people involved in every case, and they all need to visit you at home. Just for our case, we have had a case worker, three different certifiers, two different Early Intervention specialists, a CASA worker (Court Appointed Somethingorother Advocate), and soon a lawyer ALL visit our home. This doesn't even include the visitation workers that need to pick up/drop off the boys for their visits.
Everyone wants to know the latest and greatest… and sometimes there isn't anything… so you need to have details memorized. How tall are they? How much do they weigh? What's his favorite ________ right now? What had he been doing since the last time I visited three weeks ago? Sometimes I want to just say "you know he's one, right? He's been trying to walk without falling. Great progress on that front. That's also why I've sent you three photos of different bumps this week." Obviously, as a parent, the little things feel like big things, but it's also difficult to explain this to people- or it is for me. Also, I had to prepare surveys for the boys to have when they go to their adoptive home, so that the adoptive parents will know that 3yo sleeps with a ladybug pillow. Let me tell you, I had a hard time filling that out- it was sobering to remember that someone else might be reading this.
The good news about my weird justification anxiety is that I have practiced and perfected techniques that are helping us now. Why yes, I DID report that! I also explained how he got the bump on his head because he still hasn't gotten the hang of climbing off our tiny deck but I'm no longer helping him with it because he needs to practice it and yes I know that means he will sometimes fall those four inches and scrape or bump or whatever but I am managing his risks to enable him to be safe independently because it's an important life and developmental skill and he was sad for a minute but then he was fine and so yes he has a bump but this is why it doesn't concern me…
Believe it or not, that's been helpful for us.
Yesterday, we had court (!) and Paul was able to go- essentially this one was so the boys' judge could see what progress had been made, and something interesting came of that.
First of all, we have been named as the primary adoptive resource pending committee- this simply means that before a judge, the case worker, the CASA worker, a lawyer, and Paul all got to say that they support us as adoptive parents- yay!
Secondly, and this is my favorite part- someone (the lawyer? I forget who. Paul will have to remind me.) told Paul that basically, all of this means that the committee that decides yes or no for us would have to have a REALLY REALLY good reason if they said NO to us because we have the support of everyone else. It definitely feels now like the decision is less arbitrary- all of the explaining what we're doing for the boys, documentation, and building of relationships has put us in a very good place.
Lastly, here's what the next few months look like: The judge said that DHS needs to have a home study complete by the next court date, which is December 29th. Before that can happen, the committee needs to decide who they home study is for- are they going to view us solo, or look at more families and then do a home study for someone else? This should be in October or early November, and then (hopefully) we would have an updated home study by the end of December. Home studies are another place where we need to explain every single detail and reason for every little thing, so we are well prepared.
We should know a committee date soon, which is really the biggest deal. We will let you know when that happens- hopefully sooner rather than later.I think I'm going to get good at pictures of the back of their heads- here's a teaser for you since I still can't post their faces. Reading to each other, because of course- it's meant to be, right?
Thank you for your love, patience, and support. We appreciate you all!
9/14/2015
Are you Ready?
Alright, big announcement (no I'm not pregnant), and it actually doesn't really have to do with the Marshall Islands, but I will eventually cover that as well. But first, I'm going to subject you to my musings, so best of luck getting through this. :)
Lately, I've been thinking about the question, "Are you ready?" If we answered truthfully, the response should always be no. I think most people are actually asking, "Are you ready enough?" Ready enough to try? Ready enough to be successful? Ready enough to be confident? Ready enough for the effort to be worth it? I think we're never quite ready for the many adventures we end up on, but we might be ready enough.
Way back when, a wise friend told Paul that he was overthinking having kids- that we would never, ever, be totally ready. She was right, of course.
In my last post (7 months ago- yikes!), I wrote about the things that we were doing to cope with the waiting. To be clear, we ARE STILL WAITING for a referral from the Marshall Islands- but more on that in a bit.
One thing I mentioned was that we had been watching our friends' kiddos- their two daughters and two foster sons- to give them a break every couple of weeks, because oh man, four kids! We began that just to help them out, and perhaps to teach Paul how to change a diaper :) . Surprisingly, we fell head over heels in love and everything began to change. Their two foster sons were almost-2-years-old and 3 months old when we met them, and what they were going through was hitting a lot closer to home than we realized it would. We began watching them more often, and then in May, we officially became their foster parents.
So, to answer questions:
Lately, I've been thinking about the question, "Are you ready?" If we answered truthfully, the response should always be no. I think most people are actually asking, "Are you ready enough?" Ready enough to try? Ready enough to be successful? Ready enough to be confident? Ready enough for the effort to be worth it? I think we're never quite ready for the many adventures we end up on, but we might be ready enough.
Way back when, a wise friend told Paul that he was overthinking having kids- that we would never, ever, be totally ready. She was right, of course.
In my last post (7 months ago- yikes!), I wrote about the things that we were doing to cope with the waiting. To be clear, we ARE STILL WAITING for a referral from the Marshall Islands- but more on that in a bit.
One thing I mentioned was that we had been watching our friends' kiddos- their two daughters and two foster sons- to give them a break every couple of weeks, because oh man, four kids! We began that just to help them out, and perhaps to teach Paul how to change a diaper :) . Surprisingly, we fell head over heels in love and everything began to change. Their two foster sons were almost-2-years-old and 3 months old when we met them, and what they were going through was hitting a lot closer to home than we realized it would. We began watching them more often, and then in May, we officially became their foster parents.
So, to answer questions:
- Yes, we would like to adopt them. They are adoptable currently, although family is the first step always, and even if no family members were available or willing, we might not be the first choice.
- Yes, that seems crazy to us too. When I told a friend this, she said, "Wow… so are you ready to have your heart broken?" Well… no… but I'm ready enough to make it worth the effort and risk. We are just trying to do right by these kids, and we would love to be lucky enough to get to do that for the rest of their lives, but we'll give them what we can while we can. If that is just a loving home until they are moved elsewhere, we are trying to be okay with that.
- No, we don't have a timeline. DHS is crazy crazy slow and frustrating, but from what we hear, this case is actually moving along faster than most do. We should have a committee date sometime soon, like within the next month or two, which will tell us whether or not we will prep our own homestudy or prep the boys for another adoptive home.
- No, we can't post pictures or their information. Sorry! Their identities are not ours to share. Legally. They're super cute though, so if we ever get the opportunity… prepare for your newsfeed to be shut down with all those pics I'm posting.
- The oldest just turned 3, the youngest is 1.
- Our friends, their previous foster parents, are the most incredible people. They're family in every non-biological way, and I cannot say enough how thankful we are that they said yes to these boys. They showed love and grace and compassion that I can't imagine on my best day, much less with two kids that have lived through trauma and 3 kids under 3 years old in the house. (Seriously, they did that. This new pope seems pretty cool- anyone have an in with him so I can apply them for sainthood?) They still watch the boys and love them as their own, and I'm sure that when the next kid is brought to them needing a roof and love, they will give that child everything too.
- Yes, we've had them full-time since May, and no, we didn't tell everyone. Sorry.
- This was for various reasons- firstly, May is not an easy month to be a teacher, and I was overwhelmed, to say the least. Again came that infamous question, "Are you ready?" HA! We certainly tried to be.
- Second reason is that we can't post their info, so I was trying to find a delicate way to write, and it took me a while to actually put words to this.
- Third reason… we have a 3 year old.
- Fourth reason… we have a 1 year old.
- Fifth reason- it's been emotional. Posting it makes it real, and the more people that know, the more people we have to tell if they go to another home.
- YES, we are ABSOLUTELY still pursuing an adoption from the Marshall Islands. We still feel like this is an important and necessary path for us to be on, but we took a rabbit trail along the way. As you have no doubt noticed, the adoption process has slowed for this program. We have some information as to why, but nothing definitive. We have to update our home study as foster parents, and we will have to update if we are able to adopt the boys, so our Marshallese adoption will have to be paused if we are fortunate enough to need to wait for the boys' visas and whatnot.
- No news isn't good news, or bad news- with DHS, it's probably just no news. We will update when there is info to update on.
As always, we love you all and we are SO thankful for your support. We have been shown more grace and compassion than e ever dreamed possible as we transition to parenthood. We could not ever ever ever have done it without you all.
2/27/2015
Hurry Up and Wait
It has been a LONG time since the last post… sorry.
I've written several posts in my head, but none of them ever got any real traction, or took any real perspective.
Our friend Courtney used the phrase "Hurry up and wait," a lot when we were talking about filling out paperwork, waiting on docs from FBI or wherever, and it hasn't felt truer than it does right now- this is an adoption constant, and we feel it poignantly when we don't have new information. We were told that it would be like this- we would hurry to get things submitted, we would rush, rush, rush… and then it would be out of our hands.
This could get angsty pretty quickly, but what I'm going to write about is what we're doing during the waiting- so here's what we ARE doing, instead of what we aren't- our coping mechanisms.
* BOOKS! It will surprise none of you to find out that I've been cultivating the baby's library for years now- truthfully, since before we even started the adoption process. Library book sales, our childhood books, trips to Powells- it's a slow and wonderful process. Paul built an amazing bookshelf that is filling quickly- it's my way of coping in the day-to-day. We've had a bookshelf in the nursery for eight months, but the nursery was painted less than a month ago… obviously, this was a priority. Plus, it takes a long time to grow a good collection, and it's something I can actively contribute to- which isn't something I can say for the rest of the adoption.
* Prepping the nursery- we don't have a lot in there, but the room is painted thanks to some of our wonderful friends, and we have the crib and changing table- it's such a wonderful feeling to feel even remotely ready when we know that we will only have a month to REALLY prepare to travel and return with an infant.
* Projects- there are a handful or projects (like getting the garden ready-ish) that we have been/ are trying to finish because we know we won't have a lot of free time soon. It keeps the crazy at bay.
* Grants- even though we submitted them all a long time ago, Paul went back and checked them all- finding one that our agency hadn't followed up with, so it's paid off! He's had a no-stone-unturned approach to finishing the funding of the adoption. (And thank goodness- this part exhausted me.)
* Watching our friends' kiddos- some dear friends of ours have four kids- two biological daughters, and two foster sons- and Paul and I have been watching them every other Monday for months now for many reasons- we love our friends and want to give them the gift of time, we love their kids, we wanted to feel useful while we feel particularly useless, and Paul especially wanted to get more comfortable with the idea parenting even in the small ways. It has been SUCH an enormous blessing to us, and we have loved every moment of it.
A lack of updates:
We're waiting.
Waiting for the referral, waiting to hear on the remaining grants… waiting.
We love you all and we're SO thankful for your continued support. Thank you!!!
I've written several posts in my head, but none of them ever got any real traction, or took any real perspective.
Our friend Courtney used the phrase "Hurry up and wait," a lot when we were talking about filling out paperwork, waiting on docs from FBI or wherever, and it hasn't felt truer than it does right now- this is an adoption constant, and we feel it poignantly when we don't have new information. We were told that it would be like this- we would hurry to get things submitted, we would rush, rush, rush… and then it would be out of our hands.
This could get angsty pretty quickly, but what I'm going to write about is what we're doing during the waiting- so here's what we ARE doing, instead of what we aren't- our coping mechanisms.
* Prepping the nursery- we don't have a lot in there, but the room is painted thanks to some of our wonderful friends, and we have the crib and changing table- it's such a wonderful feeling to feel even remotely ready when we know that we will only have a month to REALLY prepare to travel and return with an infant.
* Projects- there are a handful or projects (like getting the garden ready-ish) that we have been/ are trying to finish because we know we won't have a lot of free time soon. It keeps the crazy at bay.
* Grants- even though we submitted them all a long time ago, Paul went back and checked them all- finding one that our agency hadn't followed up with, so it's paid off! He's had a no-stone-unturned approach to finishing the funding of the adoption. (And thank goodness- this part exhausted me.)
* Watching our friends' kiddos- some dear friends of ours have four kids- two biological daughters, and two foster sons- and Paul and I have been watching them every other Monday for months now for many reasons- we love our friends and want to give them the gift of time, we love their kids, we wanted to feel useful while we feel particularly useless, and Paul especially wanted to get more comfortable with the idea parenting even in the small ways. It has been SUCH an enormous blessing to us, and we have loved every moment of it.
A lack of updates:
We're waiting.
Waiting for the referral, waiting to hear on the remaining grants… waiting.
We love you all and we're SO thankful for your continued support. Thank you!!!
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